‘Saruman, My Struggle: Or Never Trust A Hippy Elf’

Together, We Could Have Built A Better Middle Earth…

I have been inspired by the news of a translation from the original Russian of a story in which the whole Lord of the Rings saga is written from the viewpoint of the bad guys. Consequently I am testing the waters with a quick first draft of Saruman’s memoirs. Furthermore, in my next post I am going to write the first few hundred words of the autobiography of another of fiction’s most unsympathetic individuals: O’Brien from Nineteen Eighty Four. However, without any further ado,  here’s the beginning  of Saruman, My Struggle:

Back in the summer of 3017 of the Third Age I was watching Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear on the old Palantir the one Sunday night, poking Sauron via Facebook when Richard ‘The Hobbit’ Hammond came on, when I turned to Grima and Ugluk and said ‘When I rule Middle Earth I’m sure I could make a few extra quid from the motivational speaking conference circuit.’

My favourite ‘Me-Time’ viewing on the Palantir: fellow tree-hater Jeremy Clarkson and his two Hobbit sidekicks. How much Jeremy would have loved me to have built a great big motorway through Fangorn Forest! PS That’s one classy Palantir at the back!

This idea developed into what you are reading now, which I am writing from the breakfast table of Bag End. My boys are bringing a taste of the ‘real world’ to The Shire. No doubt that treacherous so-and-so Gandalf is bringing an army from down south in the next few days to give us another hiding like Helm’s Deep, but they won’t be able to grow back the trees my lads have hacked down here in a hurry.

That’ll teach Gandalf! Ever since he arrived in Middle Earth a day later than me (and that fellow eco-loony Radagast) he’s being plotting to make me look a fool, along with those stupid Elves. I hate Elves. All they witter on about is how immortal they are! Big deal! I’m immortal, but I have better things to do than get worked up over all that existential angst nonsense. I have a Middle Earth to dominate! Plus they are always going on about how great trees are. No they’re not. Making weapons for mass armies of Uruk-Hai and diverting rivers and invading other lands by surprise. That’s what great, you big eared wallies!

The best thing about Gandalf visiting me in Isengard was making him take that stupid bloody hat off! ‘Can’t hide your receding hair line now can you?’ I used to mock. Then the last time he visits he breaks my staff! Some people have no sense of humour!

Some people never know when you are doing them a favour. I remember when me, the other Wizards and all the top Elven big cheeses met at Rivendell for the first meeting of  the White Council because they were worried that one of the  Nazgul (who, whatever else you may say about them, dress well) had set up home at Dol Guldur. I told them, there is nothing to worry about, Sauron is dead and buried and the One Ring disappeared into the Great Sea aeons ago. However, if you are worried that Sauron may come back, give me the tools and I’ll finish the job. Silence. I think they disappeared for a while to ‘look at the trees’ (say wha…?!) After that, I thought: you lot know nothing, I’ll sort out Sauron myself. I found every piece of writing I could about Big S (as I used to call him to Grima, Our Man In Rohan) and realised: he is one misunderstood genius. In time, I realised, if I could get the One Ring (or make a copy) I’ll take him on. If not, we’ll come to some arrangement. At least, in all my studies of Sauron, he never once broached the subject of  trees…

Me and me old mucka Grima Wormtongue inspecting the troops at Isengard. I remember saying to him: ‘Worm, you’ll never pull Eowyn dressed like a sack of potatoes. And grow some eyebrows back  for the next time you try and woo her.’

Anyway, I’m jumping ahead of myself here.  Apologies for the way it’s jumped about. It’s a shame when great plans (and they were great!) fall apart. If everyone had listened to me  Middle Earth would have a great future.  I blame the International Elvish Conspiracy. And this is how it started…[to be continued].

Published in: on February 18, 2011 at 12:46 am  Leave a Comment  
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